Thursday, August 12, 2010

Thirteen Things I've Learned Watching Recent post-Apocolypse Movies

  1. Steampunk, rave, and paintball enthusiasts will be the ones to survive the nuclear holocaust. This is so because they are the ones who own the goggles now, and everyone in the future seems to have goggles. Some skiers and welders may also survive.
  2. Also people that buy scarves at Urban Outfitters and the Gap because people in nuclear holocaust films wear those scarves with their goggles.
  3. People will always resort to eating other people. No. Matter. What.
  4. Men will always resort to raping women. No. Matter. What.
  5. Despite fact four, women will still dress in really skimpy, really sexy clothes -- like leather bras, miniskirts, high-heeled leather boots, torn fishnets, etc -- rather than trying to disguise themselves behind goggles and scarves to avoid getting raped.
  6. People will wear leather pants, even though they chafe and stink really bad when you don't shower often enough.
  7. Doc Martens, army boots, and motorcycle/ engineer boots stop lasting ten or fifteen years after the holocaust. They wear out more quickly for some reason.
  8. No dentists survive the nuclear holocaust to come. If you want to survive the holocaust and you are a dentist, get a different job. This is illustrated by how bad the teeth are in these movies.
  9. Westerners will not eat dog, even under extraordinary circumstances. Cats and rats are okay, even though they are less accepted sources of protein in the rest of the world today than dogs are. Even human supercedes dog as a protein choice after the bomb drops.
  10. Nuclear winter seems really hot and dusty.
  11. Crows are the only birds that can survive the holocaust. They are like the roaches of the avian world.
  12. No high-efficiency, hybrid, or electric cars will make it beyond the blast. Only 1960-1970s sedans, heavy duty work trucks, delivery vans, etc. will still run. This could have something to do with computers...
  13. No one seems to know how to garden.

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